children of divorce Archives - Child Custody Film

The Parenting Goal Statement: 12 Steps Toward Productive Co-Parenting During and After Divorce

Larry Sarezky / August 15, 2014

Divorcing parents promote their children’s well-being by retooling their co-parenting relationship early in the divorce process. Adding new ground rules to old shared values redirects parents’ focus from their own conflict to the children’s needs. It also creates momentum for a long-term parenting plan and a co-parenting relationship that produces healthier children.

Here are a dozen Parenting Goal Statement staples:

➢ We will shield our children from our conflict.

➢ We will not use our children as messengers or confidants.

➢ We will not put our children in the position of “choosing sides.”

➢ We will keep financial issues separate from child-related issues.

➢ We will not criticize each other to, or in the presence of, our children. (Parents who devalue each other can cause children to wonder what is wrong with them for loving such unworthy parents.)

➢ We will each nurture our children’s love for the other parent.

➢ We will agree what information to share with the children regarding the divorce, understanding that they cannot and should not be “insulated” from it.

➢ We will encourage our children to express their feelings and will validate them, but we will make the major decisions.

➢ We will share with each other information about our children’s schoolwork, activities and schedules.

➢ We try to have similar, consistent rules for the children.

➢ We will reassure our children that they will continue to have two parents who will love and care for them, and that the failure of our marriage is not in any way their fault. (This is especially important when child-related issues are in dispute and children may feel that if not for them, their parents wouldn’t be fighting.)

➢ Because children suffer if matters concerning them linger unresolved, we will try to resolve child-related issues quickly and consistently with these shared values.

Child custody

Child Custody Myth #1: “Children benefit when parents ‘insulate’ them from the divorce.”

Larry Sarezky / April 7, 2014

This is the first of eight child custody myths articulated by parents David and Laura Sherwood in the film Talk to Strangers.

“We do a pretty good job of insulating our kids,” Laura asserts two minutes into the film. Later on, we see Laura make good on that commitment: “You know we don’t talk to you kids about the case!” she declares, cutting off a conversation with her daughter Emily.

Like each of the 8 myths presented in Talk to Strangers, this one sounds reasonable enough… until we view it from the children’s perspective. Consider, for example, Emily’s dismay when she learns that not only can’t she discuss custody issues with her parents, but she won’t be allowed to voice her preferences to the judge either.

“Great!” she exclaims, “I can’t talk to the judge or my parents—the only people who count?”

There’s a big difference between shielding children from parents’ antagonisms, and insulating them from the divorce altogether. First, it’s impossible to “insulate” children from their parents’ divorce, as we see, for example, when Nick overhears Laura’s phone conversations.

And even if “insulation” were possible, children don’t want or need it. The divorce, in which children have a tremendous stake, inevitably becomes an integral part of their lives. In Talk to Strangers, we see how the siblings’ preoccupation with the divorce damages their relationship. And ultimately, Nick quits his football team because his mind has become “all filled up” with the list of questions he carries around in his pocket because he has no one to talk to about them.

Parents who believe they are helping their children by refusing to discuss the divorce, only add to their children’s anxiety. Children are much better off when their parents agree upon what basic information – without judgments or financial or other details – will be shared with their children.

Agreeing on how, when and what to share with your children is a critical first step toward healthy post divorce co-parenting.

For more information, visit: www.childcustodyfilm.com

Child custody

Why YOU, not a Judge, Should Resolve Child-Related Dispute

Larry Sarezky / April 1, 2014

Most parents continue to co-parent their children after divorce. Absent circumstances where children are at risk, parents have the responsibility to put the their children first by working out a parenting plan that is in the children’s interests.

If you are unable to resolve children’s issues with your co-parent, a judge will. There are a number of reasons to avoid that:

➢ The custody evaluation process can humiliate, frighten and compromise your children, and cause them enduring emotional harm.

➢ Custody cases are tremendously expensive. Parents must not only pay their own lawyers, but they may also have to pay attorneys to represent their children and/or guardians ad litem who are appointed in custody cases for children who are too young to express their feelings and preferences.

➢ Trial outcomes are extremely difficult to predict.

➢ A judge’s orders after trial rarely contain the crucial details that parents need in their agreements.

Spare your children the ordeal of the court custody evaluation process. Seek the help of a mediator (including those available through the court system at little or no cost) to help you make sound decisions for your children.