protecting children during divorce Archives

Custody Battles: A Perfect Storm of Harmful Outcomes for Children

Larry Sarezky / July 13, 2014

We know that custody battles are bad for children. The reason seems obvious enough: Prolonged high levels of parental conflict are toxic to children.

But there may be more to it than that. I believe that custody battles are so damaging because they deprive children of the very things they need most during divorce.

A “Top 4 List” of children’s needs during divorce would read something like this:

- An end to their parents’ fighting
- An end to uncertainty about where and with whom they will be living
- A return to some degree of normalcy in their lives
- Security in knowing that their parents will continue to love and care for them
Custody battles delay or prevent children from getting all of the above.

When parents litigate child related issues, the level of their conflict increases. That’s due in part to our court-based adversary system, which fosters conflict between combatants rather than cooperation between co-parents. It’s difficult to imagine a worse model for resolving family issues.

Custody battles also require children to endure evaluation procedures that frighten, humiliate and compromise them. Custody evaluations also add months to divorce cases, thus prolonging children’s anxiety and delaying any return to normalcy.

Finally, custody battles damage and sometimes destroy prospects for post divorce co-parenting. Emotionally devastating, absurdly expensive custody trials typically leave parents tremendously hostile to each other for years.

Even where parents assure children of their love, children may quite reasonably question why that love wasn’t strong enough to prioritize cooperative parenting over the parents’ conflict. And children wondering about that are less likely to feel secure that their parents will continue to care for them in the future.

Thus, custody battles do more than expose children to prolonged parental conflict. They create a perfect storm of damaging outcomes for them.

So perhaps the first question to ask clients considering a custody battle is this: Do you love your children enough not to fight over them?

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Child Custody Myth #1: “Children benefit when parents ‘insulate’ them from the divorce.”

This is the first of eight child custody myths articulated by parents David and Laura Sherwood in the film Talk to Strangers.

“We do a pretty good job of insulating our kids,” Laura asserts two minutes into the film. Later on, we see Laura make good on that commitment: “You know we don’t talk to you kids about the case!” she declares, cutting off a conversation with her daughter Emily.

Like each of the 8 myths presented in Talk to Strangers, this one sounds reasonable enough… until we view it from the children’s perspective. Consider, for example, Emily’s dismay when she learns that not only can’t she discuss custody issues with her parents, but she won’t be allowed to voice her preferences to the judge either.

“Great!” she exclaims, “I can’t talk to the judge or my parents—the only people who count?”

There’s a big difference between shielding children from parents’ antagonisms, and insulating them from the divorce altogether. First, it’s impossible to “insulate” children from their parents’ divorce, as we see, for example, when Nick overhears Laura’s phone conversations.

And even if “insulation” were possible, children don’t want or need it. The divorce, in which children have a tremendous stake, inevitably becomes an integral part of their lives. In Talk to Strangers, we see how the siblings’ preoccupation with the divorce damages their relationship. And ultimately, Nick quits his football team because his mind has become “all filled up” with the list of questions he carries around in his pocket because he has no one to talk to about them.

Parents who believe they are helping their children by refusing to discuss the divorce, only add to their children’s anxiety. Children are much better off when their parents agree upon what basic information – without judgments or financial or other details – will be shared with their children.

Agreeing on how, when and what to share with your children is a critical first step toward healthy post divorce co-parenting.

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