#co-parenting

This is 1 of 8 myths voiced by parents David & Laura Sherwood to rationalize their custody battle in #TalktoStrangersFilm. It reflects the parents’ sincere though misguided confidence in their ability to protect 9-year-old Nicholas and 12-year-old Emily during the custody case.

As with all the myths that the parents articulate in the opening sequence, the statement that judges protect children from emotional harm during divorce seems, at first blush, reasonable enough. But the fact is that judges generally aren’t involved in custody cases until trial. That’s too late to prevent the harm the custody evaluation process can do to children.

While family judges conscientiously protect what they determine to be the children’s best interests, they cannot protect them from the rigors of custody evaluation. Judges don’t supervise that process, and it has been completed by the time a case comes before a judge for trial.

The evaluation process can humiliate and compromise children in ways that don’t occur to parents or even to divorce professionals. For example, in Talk to Strangers, Emily is embarrassed when Maria Castillo, the Court Services Counselor arrives as Emily is getting off her school bus. During the ensuing home visit, Nick gamely tires to defend his family, tries to hide his teddy bear from Castillo, and defiantly repositions a toy dinosaur that Castillo had picked up to look at.

Likewise, Nick is embarrassed when his mother pulls him from football practice for a meeting with the children’s counsel. Later, his humiliation is completed when he returns to try on the last remaining team jersey in the box; a jersey multiple sizes too large. “Nice dress!” taunts a teammate.

In many ways, large and small, children’s lives are disrupted and derailed during the custody evaluation process. No one can protect them from that except parents who work out their differences over the children, rather than allowing the court system to take over.

This is one of eight myths voiced by parents David & Laura Sherwood to rationalize their custody battle in #TalktoStrangersFilm, reflecting their misguided belief that they and the court system can protect their children.

Contrary to the assertion by David (02:35)[1], the custody evaluation process is NOT designed to protect children. It is designed to gather information for the court.  In the process, it intrudes upon children’s lives, invades their privacy and increases their anxiety.

And this applies even to mental health professionals. As the psychologist points out to Emily “I’m not your therapist.  I’m merely here to evaluate your family for the court…” (08:58).  Moreover, even where professionals scrupulously avoid putting children to a choice between parents, the children nevertheless find themselves in that very position, as nine-year-old Nicky does in the Court Services waiting room (17:01).  Similarly, twelve-year-old Emily feels trapped when asked if it was her father who created her belief that the custody battle is her mother’s fault (09:34).

David and Laura believe their children will be protected by judges (02:26), professionals (02:35), and through their own efforts (02:23; 20:56).  The truth is that no one can protect children from the intrusions, humiliations and untenable situations inherent in contested custody cases.

Where children may be at risk due to a parent’s mental illness, untreated substance abuse, neglect or abuse, court intervention may well be necessary to protect them.  Otherwise, parents and their counsel have an obligation to try to resolve child-related issues as quickly as possible.

[1] References are to the film time code. The Talk to Strangers professional version includes, besides the film and parents’ guide, a “Quick Reference Index.” That Index is organized around the eight myths of custody litigation, providing time code references to pertinent sections of the film. The DVD version of the film is chaptered to ease navigation during instructional use.

This is 1 of 8 myths voiced by parents David & Laura Sherwood to rationalize their custody battle in #TalktoStrangersFilm. It reflects the parents’ sincere though misguided confidence in their ability to protect 9-year-old Nicholas and 12-year-old Emily during the custody case.

Like the other myths Mom and Dad articulate, this one contains a kernel of truth—but only a kernel—and is ultimately dispelled as the story unfolds.

For example, we see Nick waiting anxiously for Ms. Castillo’s home visit as we hear Laura on the phone describing the custody evaluation process as “a marathon” for the kids (13:09). Nick is visibly uncomfortable throughout this sequence, and even more so later in his bedroom where he conceals a stuffed animal beneath his pillow (13:21) and defiantly repositions a toy dinosaur that Castillo has picked up to take a closer look at (13:37).

At the Court Services Office in the courthouse, Emily is shocked to learn that she won’t be able to speak to the judge about her preference to live with David (16:35). Coupled with her parents’ refusal to discuss “The Case” with the children, Emily realizes that she is unable to communicate with “the only ones who count” (16:45). And when Castillo has finished speaking with Emily and calls out Nick’s name in the waiting room (17:17), his reluctance is palpable.

Children do want to be heard, but by their parents, not strangers from the court system.