child custody

Child custody

Divorce Parenting No-No’s

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momsonParenting during divorce poses unique and difficult challenges for even the most well intentioned mothers and fathers. Many parents find themselves preoccupied if not overwhelmed by the divorce and all the emotions and uncertainties that accompany it. As a result, these parents become less able to attend to the needs of their children who need them more than ever during this turbulent time.

As a conscientious divorcing parent, you can serve the interests of your children by avoiding the following mistakes commonly made during divorce. But even if you do have a bad moment (it’s okay, nearly everyone does), use the experience to strengthen your resolve to not let it happen again.

  • Don’t complain to your children about their other parent.
  • Don’t use the children to convey messages to their other parent.
  • Don’t ask the children (directly or indirectly) to choose with which parent they prefer to live or spend time.
  • Don’t try to “insulate” the children entirely from the divorce, because it won’t work
  • Depriving children of basic information will only increase their anxiety
  • Don’t arbitrarily make rules that are inconsistent with their other parent’s reasonable rules.
  • Don’t give the children false hope that you and your STBX might reconcile
  • Don’t treat children as confidants or therapists. Children (and not only the younger ones) need to be reassured that normalcy will return to their lives and that they can feel safe and loved. Maintain the boundaries that will allow you to continue to fulfill those needs.
Child custody

The Parenting Goal Statement: 12 Steps Toward Productive Co-Parenting During and After Divorce

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Divorcing parents promote their children’s well-being by retooling their co-parenting relationship early in the divorce process. Adding new ground rules to old shared values redirects parents’ focus from their own conflict to the children’s needs. It also creates momentum for a long-term parenting plan and a co-parenting relationship that produces healthier children.

Here are a dozen Parenting Goal Statement staples:

➢ We will shield our children from our conflict.

➢ We will not use our children as messengers or confidants.

➢ We will not put our children in the position of “choosing sides.”

➢ We will keep financial issues separate from child-related issues.

➢ We will not criticize each other to, or in the presence of, our children. (Parents who devalue each other can cause children to wonder what is wrong with them for loving such unworthy parents.)

➢ We will each nurture our children’s love for the other parent.

➢ We will agree what information to share with the children regarding the divorce, understanding that they cannot and should not be “insulated” from it.

➢ We will encourage our children to express their feelings and will validate them, but we will make the major decisions.

➢ We will share with each other information about our children’s schoolwork, activities and schedules.

➢ We try to have similar, consistent rules for the children.

➢ We will reassure our children that they will continue to have two parents who will love and care for them, and that the failure of our marriage is not in any way their fault. (This is especially important when child-related issues are in dispute and children may feel that if not for them, their parents wouldn’t be fighting.)

➢ Because children suffer if matters concerning them linger unresolved, we will try to resolve child-related issues quickly and consistently with these shared values.

Child custody

Custody Battles: A Perfect Storm of Harmful Outcomes for Children

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fistsWe know that custody battles are bad for children. The reason seems obvious enough: Prolonged high levels of parental conflict are toxic to children.

But there may be more to it than that. I believe that custody battles are so damaging because they deprive children of the very things they need most during divorce.

A “Top 4 List” of children’s needs during divorce would read something like this:

    • An end to their parents’ fighting
    • An end to uncertainty about where and with whom they will be living
    • A return to some degree of normalcy in their lives
    • Security in knowing that their parents will continue to love and care for them

    Custody battles delay or prevent children from getting all of the above.

    When parents litigate child related issues, the level of their conflict increases. That’s due in part to our court-based adversary system, which fosters conflict between combatants rather than cooperation between co-parents. It’s difficult to imagine a worse model for resolving family issues.

    Custody battles also require children to endure evaluation procedures that frighten, humiliate and compromise them. Custody evaluations also add months to divorce cases, thus prolonging children’s anxiety and delaying any return to normalcy.

    Finally, custody battles damage and sometimes destroy prospects for post divorce co-parenting. Emotionally devastating, absurdly expensive custody trials typically leave parents tremendously hostile to each other for years.

    Even where parents assure children of their love, children may quite reasonably question why that love wasn’t strong enough to prioritize cooperative parenting over the parents’ conflict. And children wondering about that are less likely to feel secure that their parents will continue to care for them in the future.

    Thus, custody battles do more than expose children to prolonged parental conflict. They create a perfect storm of damaging outcomes for them.

    So perhaps the first question to ask clients considering a custody battle is this: Do you love your children enough not to fight over them?

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Child custody

Child Custody Myth #1: “Children benefit when parents ‘insulate’ them from the divorce.”

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This is the first of eight child custody myths articulated by parents David and Laura Sherwood in the film Talk to Strangers.

“We do a pretty good job of insulating our kids,” Laura asserts two minutes into the film.  Later on, we see Laura make good on that commitment:  “You know we don’t talk to you kids about the case!” she declares, cutting off a conversation with her daughter Emily.

Like each of the 8 myths presented in Talk to Strangers, this one sounds reasonable enough… until we view it from the children’s perspective.  Consider, for example, Emily’s dismay when she learns that not only can’t she discuss custody issues with her parents, but she won’t be allowed to voice her preferences to the judge either.

“Great!” she exclaims, “I can’t talk to the judge or my parents—the only people who count?”

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There’s a big difference between shielding children from parents’ antagonisms, and insulating them from the divorce altogether. First, it’s impossible to “insulate” children from their parents’ divorce, as we see, for example, when Nick overhears Laura’s phone conversations.

And even if “insulation” were possible, children don’t want or need it. The divorce, in which children have a tremendous stake, inevitably becomes an integral part of their lives.  In Talk to Strangers, we see how the siblings’ preoccupation with the divorce damages their relationship.  And ultimately, Nick quits his football team because his mind has become “all filled up” with the list of questions he carries around in his pocket because he has no one to talk to about them.

Parents who believe they are helping their children by refusing to discuss the divorce, only add to their children’s anxiety. Children are much better off when their parents agree upon what basic information – without judgments or financial or other details – will be shared with their children.

Agreeing on how, when and what to share with your children is a critical first step toward healthy post divorce co-parenting.

For more information, visit: www.childcustodyfilm.com

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